self+worth?

Worth as a person is independent of **__external factors in your life such as those in the table below__** Guilt for foolish behavior is a healthy motivation for change. ** WORTH IS NEITHER COMPARITIVE NOR COMPEDITIVE ** Don’t wait for happiness Don’t say, ‘I’ll be happy when I have a new home, car, job, relationship, win lotto…’ We need happiness everyday. Schedule it in. What makes you happy, that you can do everyday & week. Write down some of your automatic thoughts. Are they positive or negative? Generally there are more negative than positive, why? Why would we let negative thoughts in more readily than positive thoughts? Distorted or negative thoughts happen so quickly sometimes we are not aware of them, let alone stop to question them. Yet our automatic thoughts influence our moods and sense of self worth. We need to catch these distorted thoughts and challenge their logic and replace them with thoughts that more closely align with reality instead of thoughts that depress you. These distorted thoughts fall into 13 categories: **Assuming**: we assume the worst without testing the evidence. Eg we may assume someone is angry with us or doesn’t like us without testing / asking for the truth. ‘have I done something to make you angry?’ assuming self talk can also be ‘ I know I’ll do a lousy job, even though I’ve….’ Instead we should tell ourselves. “ I’m willing to experiment / task a risk, give it a go … and see what happens.” These are demands we make on ourselves, but these statements do nothing for our motivation. Try to replace Should (must/ oughts) with ‘ woulds & coulds & want to’ **The fairy tale fantasy**: means demanding the ideal from life, a special type of ‘ should’, “ that’s not fair” or “ why did that have to happen?”. But bad and unlucky things happen to all of us. To expect that world will be different for you is to invite disappointment. Try the mantra- well that is life and now I’m going to pick my self up and get on with it.’ **All or nothing thinking**: an impossible standard of perfection, and when you fall short of this standard you allow negative thoughts in. eg “if I score below 90% I’m a failure”, “ I don’t have any friends, I’m a loser”. We can not live in black and white extremes, life is all shades of grey. **Over generalization**: deciding that negative experiences describe your life completely. “ I always ruin everything”, “ no one likes me, everybody hates me”, The solution is to use more specific language and stop your self from using generalized language. Replace all & never with ‘ sometimes, occasionally. Be an optimist, expect to find small ways to improve situations and notice when things are going well. “ //some// of my skills are not //yet// well developed, but I’m happy with my progress. **Labeling:** don’t label yourself or give yourself a name, a single word can’t possibly describe the complex person that you are. Don’t say, “ I’m a loser, I’m stupid’. Confine fine labels to behaviors eg “that was a silly/ foolish thing to do” **Dwelling on the negative**: How can I feel good about the day when I was criticized/ made a mistake/ burnt the dinner?” Re-examine your options. How might a positive outlook change the statement? Eg “what fun things can I still do today, how can I change my focus/ thoughts, it’s only a hiccup get on with other things” **Rejecting the positive**: don’t shrug off compliments, accept them with thanks & pass them on! **Unfavourable comparisons**: building the strengths of others and dismissing your own strengths and abilities. Challenge these distorted thoughts by asking yourself, “why must I compare? We are all different other peoples are not necessarily better, just different.” **Catastrophizing**: although many things are unpleasant, inconvenient or difficult we can really stand it & cope & we can always get help to cope with problems. Challenge your belief that it is a catastrophe, ask: “what are the odds/ chances of this really happening? If it does happen how likely is it to do me in? 10 years from now will any one care/ remember? If the worst happens, what will I do? (anticipating a problem and formulating an action plan will increase your confidence. Is this why many of us have nightmare or bad dreams, to prepare the subconscious for traumatic events) **Personalizing:** seeing all as your fault. The ego is so involved that each event becomes a test of worth. A solution to this distortion can be: 1. distinguish between causes and influences. Sometimes we can influence other peoples decisions but the final decision is always theirs not ours. 2. Look realistically for other influences outside yourself. Instead of thinking “ why did he snap at me? Say to yourself “I’m not the central character, may be he’s mad at the world today?” **blaming**: opposite of personalizing. “he makes me so mad, he has ruined my life, I’m a loser because of my crummy childhood”. Blaming things/ people makes us helpless victims who are powerless to cope. The solution is to acknowledge influences as just that and take responsibility for your own welfare. “yes that was crappy but I’m over it and better than that.” People with self esteem recognize what is their responsibility (in behavior and choice) and what is not- learn to let things go that you can not change. **Making feelings into facts**: taking feelings as proof and evidence when they are only temporary feelings. Eg ‘ I feel like such a loser. I must be hopeless.” Remember that feelings result from our thoughts. If our thoughts are distorted then our feelings may not reflect reality. So question your feelings & thoughts. Would I still feel this way after a good night sleep? The daily thought record: The facts (describe the emotions you felt) || Intensity (rate the intensity (1-10) || Analysis of thoughts After the activity are the upsetting events still as disturbing? How much do you still believe the initial responses and the intensity of the emotions?
 * Marriage || Looks || Gender || Friends ||
 * Career || Strength || Race || Talents ||
 * Energy levels || Intelligence || Skills || Creativity ||
 * Sleep || Education || grades || Handicaps ||
 * Material advantages || Others’ approval acceptance || Clothes, car, grooming || Power, being right, competence ||
 * Wealth || Position/ status || Family image || Performance ||
 * Mistakes || voice || Parents’ status || Health ||
 * productivity || confidence || control || Behaviors ||
 * Should (must/ oughts): **
 * Event (describe the event that “made you” feel bad/ unpleasant || Impact of event
 * Initial responses || Thought fallacies || Reasonable response ||
 * (describe the automatic thoughts or ‘ self talk) then rate how believable each is from 1-10. this response is only one of several choices of thoughts || (find and label the distortions) || Change the distortions to more reasonable thoughts & rate how much you believe each ( imagine the negative thoughts are a from a friend how would you respond?) what is the evidence? ||